Tuesday, January 7, 2014

18 Reasons Not To Have Kids

Being in my late 20's, I see that a LOT of my friends have had a kid, or are having MORE kids .... and it seems like they're all having all these kids around the same time.  Seriously, I think I know like 5 kids that have been born in the past 6 months. WTF?!  My newsfeed on Facebook is "*Name* arrived today (or yesterday) weighing in at x pounds and x ounces and x inches long!" etc etc etc on a regular basis now.  Either that or "We're pregnant!"

This has caused me some inner turmoil, because part of me is like "I freaking hate kids they're so annoying. I have dogs cuz dogs are awesome." but the OTHER part of me is like "Gee, having kids seems to be the natural thing to do, and the dogs like kids (sorta).... maybe I should have one myself?"

But really, I don't want to have kids, at least not right now.  I have enough trouble keeping myself in order, albeit I do take excellent care of my dogs...granted that dogs are pretty easy though.... at least, a whole lot easier than kids are.

So here is my list of reasons I don't want kids, because I now feel the need to justify why I don't have them.

1. Sleep. Whenever I want, however long I want.

My doggies always sleep with me, no room for kids.
2. Eating at restaurants. Wherever I want, whenever I want. Eating WHATever I want, and not having to deal with a picky eater to order for, and not having to share the food on my plate with a grubby-handed little goblin.  No screaming will be involved at my eating-out ventures.
There's also the "no kids allowed" policy some restaurants have implemented (thank God!) so I don't have to worry about that, either.

Savor the peacock made out of food! SAVOR it because you're an adult dammit and you eat fancy food!

3. Being able to go out to pretty much anywhere, anytime, with little to no effort of getting things together to get out of the door, since I just have to bring my purse and that's it.
Strollers, diaper bags, car seats...it's like packing for a road trip just to go for a walk.  
No thanks.

But they all match! Fabulous!

4. COFFEE!!!!!  Lots and lots of COFFEE!!
Note: This is specific to being pregnant, as I hear you're not supposed to have caffeine during pregnancy, or at least not a lot.

5. Alcohol!
Note: I mention this because I personally believe parents shouldn't drink around their children.  If I had kids, I wouldn't.

6. Movies and TV shows.  Watching whatever I want, whenever I want!  Not just when the kids are completely out of the house, because there's no way you can watch Game of Thrones with kids in, or within 50 feet of your house.

7. Cursing without worrying your kid will overhear you, and then repeat it at school, or in the presence of great-grandma.

8. Other people's kids stay cute and don't annoy you!

9. When you have your own kids, though, you're around them ALL. THE. TIME.  And you learn that kids are really, really annoying.

This is legal, right? He can breathe, and he's smiling and everything!

10. If your kid is annoying enough, doctors will tell you something's wrong with them, in some cases this is true, but not all of the time.  Some kids are just annoying and super energetic, and that's just how they are as their normal, healthy selves, maybe because your DNA wanted to flip you off.

11. Sometimes kids skip being annoying and go straight to just being creepy.

This exact thing has actually happened to me, kid was there for like 20 minutes. Luckily, all I was doing was shopping for shoes online, and not watching Game of Thrones.

12. There's always a chance your kid could wind up being a psychopathic serial killer.

Mary Bell - The Tyneside Strangler.  I can't even make this shit up.

13. Impact on the environment.  Trees are important, and kids murder them.  Especially AMERICAN kids.  So do the planet a favor and just don't have children, or for the love off all things green and furry, have ONE kid only.

14. Speaking of environment.... Don't have kids because, you don't need to have kids!  There is WAY too many people on this planet.  In the past, people had kids because it was actually needed to ensure humanity continued, and to make sure your family line would continue...or you just needed more workers on your farm.  But these days there is about 7 trillion people on the planet.  SEVEN TRILLION!  That is an un-Godly amount.  How many people does there really need to be? NOT that many!  You DO NOT need to have kids.  You don't.  I promise.  There will be plenty of people around even if you don't breed.

15.  Children are blunt and honest and embarrassing.  They will tell you that you're fat and ugly, and they WILL point out to you, loudly, that the blonde lady 5 feet away is thinner and prettier than you are.  If you did something stupid they will tell EVERYONE.  They will also, in detail, tell strangers how to get to your house, you'd be surprised how accurately they can give directions at two years old when they weren't even asked for any.

Then there's things like this...if I remember right, the mother shoveled snow, or sold snow shovels maybe, so the little girl drew this picture for her teacher at school.

16.  Having kids makes you more prone to depression.  

 To be frank, I don't need anything in my life to make my depression worse.

17.  No ties to stupid ex's!  You and your ex split ways and you never, ever, have to speak to them, again. Ever!
I have exceptionally stupid ex's, and I often think what a blessing it is we didn't have kids.

18.  People bragging about their "special" child won't bother you at all. 
People will talk to you about their kids, and if you don't have any of your own, you won't be keeping a mental score board in your head, comparing their kid against yours.  Instead, you will be thinking about how great it is you don't have any, and how much more awesome your dogs are than kids.

 You also won't have the opposite problem: being the one who's doing the bragging.

This list of reasons is just to make me, and people like me, feel better about not having kids.
It's also meant to make people who ARE parents laugh. 

Other lists of "Reasons not to have kids" that I found amusing and/or informative, some of these lists share my own ideas of why I don't want kids.

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